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Sunday, April 5, 2009
► may you rest in peace. goodbyes.
goodbyes, to you.
you, after much suffering have departed.
am i happy? or am i sad?

u have suffered, a lot. it's good to go on, it ends your suffering.
this way, i'm happy for you.
but,
even though i'm not very close to you, i can't stand the feeling of a relative leaving.

you,
a few months after i was born,
you suffered a stroke.
u couldn't talk freely any longer.

i grew up, unable to talk to you.
all i saw was a wheel chair bounded person, a person who was said to be my grandfather.
i couldn't talk to you even if i wanted to.
this way, how could we be close??

i regret it. a few weeks before, my mother said you were about to depart soon.
i was forced to visit you every week.
to tell you the truth, it was a pain to me.
i rather spend those time doing other things, and i went home late, had to rush to finish tuition homework after that.
but now, i regret it.
only after you left, did i realize that i should have spent those final moments with you.
only after today, did i realize that i should have visited you more, not giving those excuses.

i'm sorry.
early this morning at 6, the phone rang.
i heard the conversation, it was bad news.
we rushed over to your house.
i saw your face, it was pale.
there, i knew that you had left. i knew that i could no longer spend time with you any longer.

the elderly said you left in your sleep.
but that's a lie.
the maid told me you left with your eyes open, with your mouth open.
i was shocked. you didn't leave in peace.

how much did you suffered in silence? unable to voice it out, you suffered.
how much did you suffered, the medication, the treatment.
when everyone was asleep, did you want to call out to your wife?
did you want to say your final words?

but now, everything is too late.
i can't turn back the hands of the clock.
i can't visit you more, i can't make you suffer less.
but how much i wish you actually suffered less.

when i say my uncle cleaning your bed saw,
it hurt me as much as it hurt you.
the blood, the pain.
you mourned, i freaked out.

now you are just lying there still.
enclosed in that white box.
lying there, everyone's sad.

grandmother is crying, she cried in the morning.
she cried when they were carrying your body down
she cried at your funeral.

i'm saddened too.
i hate losing a relative.

now, that you are gone.
bless us, may you.
may your soul rest in peace.

now, just leave in peace, bless us, be there for us.
we, pray and wish for your happiness in your afterlife.

Sincerly, from your Granddaughter.
With love,
Depart in peace.
May your soul rest in peace.

今も愛しているそっとずっとずっと君を12:01 AM